TL;DR I co-sleep

During pregnancy, one of the few parenting decisions I was set on was saying no to co-sleeping. I had read about the dangers of suffocation, strangulation, and SIDS, with a child under 12 months of age. I was so sure I would never be the type of parent that would do anything to put my baby at risk.

After 4 weeks postpartum, my husband returned to full time work and moved into a separate room. Being a terrible sleeper himself, even without the baby crying at night, he needed all the sleep he could get for the early starts to go to work. Not to mention, the absence of his farting and sneezes helped the baby snooze better.

I was on my own at night to settle and soothe the baby. Some nights were harder and longer than others. Rocking the baby to sleep was all I knew when nothing else seemed to work. I would hold my baby in bed until I was sure he was asleep deep enough not to wake during the transfer. This meant sometimes I would fall asleep holding the baby.

At first, I was guilt-ridden and shocked at all the countless possibilities that could’ve happened while I was asleep. I then remembered that I was a still sleeper; I would wake up in the same position I fell asleep. The fact that I wasn’t a drinker, drug user, or on any drowsiness medication, increased my confidence that it would be okay.

So, I embraced it, co-sleeping.

There were measures I could take to make co-sleeping safe. I sectioned off the baby’s side of the bed and was always purposeful when arranging my blanket on myself at night. No excess material would stray over to the baby, yet baby was always arm’s length away for easy soothing and monitoring. I still slept light enough to wake to any sound my baby would make, but we both slept better that way, despite the night feeds.

Once my baby showed signs of rolling, I returned him to his cot. This didn’t last too long before he was back in my bed. Now that he’s reached his first birthday and we are planning another baby next year, the question has come up again.

Do I put him back in his cot?

The guilty truth is I don’t want to. I love sleeping with my son close and I know he appreciates it too. It shows every morning when I wake up and he has managed to roll over to curl into the side of my body, or somewhere close.

The self-doubt keeps circling.

By keeping him in my bed, does it hinder his development and independence? However, will putting him in his cot make him feel distance between us? What do I do once I have another baby? Which choice is right?

As a mum, the back and forth is nothing new but still draining.

I just have to remember the one question that truly matters at the end of the day. Is my baby happy and safe? The answer is yes.